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Eventually, and Now.

May 4, 2012

A sketch of mine in pen from 2001 of my mentor, producer, and friend – Ken Tobias. Visit him at kentobias.ca

I haven’t posted in 3 months.

Oops.

I’ve been busy writing new songs instead. This makes me a good songwriter, but a bad blogger. To be fair, I’m new to the blog thing, and not-so-new to the song thing, so I’m bound to get better eventually.

“Eventually”.Β  What a vague unit of time. One could argue, however, that time is in itself vague anyway. Does it even exist? It only exists when we think about it. Like most things. When you go to look for them – there they are.

And, like most things – eventually, they occur. Like getting older. One day you’re 15 and then you wake up the next day and you first have to remember what year it is before you even know how old you are. It’s amazing. I’m sure in another bunch of years I’ll find it stranger still…

But the cool thing about the whole “getting older” process is that you stop living in that “eventually” place all the time, and you start living in the here and now because you realize that “eventually” doesn’t happen until you decide to actually do something in the present.

So – here I am. Actually blogging instead of thinking about doing it tomorrow, or next week.

When I was a kid, I thought about becoming a writer. Of novels. But for whatever reason – it was probably a less-than-perfect grade in an English class – I discarded that thought. Although it morphed into songwriting, when I started this blog, I was reminded of that old dream. I LOVED reading when I was a kid. I would spend the entire weekend, and stay up late on school nights to read books. I think I read the entirety of my elementary school’s library by the time I was in Grade 6. Then, I became more interested in music – I guess ’cause I ran out of age appropriate books to read – and I’ve been staying up late for that ever since! It’s so very curious how things can be seemingly forgotten, only to be recalled – eventually…

My mother found some old artwork of mine recently from when I was somewhere around 12, and I remembered how I used to love to draw, and paint. On very rare occasions over the last 20 years, I’ve been struck by that feeling, and I’ve completed a few sketches, and paintings. I’ve been meaning to do more of it, more often, but just like the writing, it’s been living out there in the future world of eventually.

Recently, I came to the sort of realization that I had “arrived” so-to-speak at a destination. When I decided I wanted to become a songwriter when I was almost 21 – I felt too old at the time. I remember thinking how I’d better start right away or I’d be way too old by the time I was any good. Then at some point after realizing that, I realized that I’d have to also become a performing musician so I wouldn’t have to rely on others to play my songs and it felt like a hopelessly long, uphill battle that would just never happen. Especially given my anxiety about talking to people and being the centre of attention, not just the 6 months of trying to play guitar (my classical piano background was not my friend in those early days of writing) and it still sounded like absolute crap. I thought I’d never be able to play a barre chord – ever. Interestingly enough, I *still* feel like I can’t play a barre chord and it’s been almost 17 years…Β  But – after a few years when I could play a few chords and had written a song or two, I was extremely distraught when my mentor/teacher (Ken Tobias – the subject of my sketch from 2001 in this post) said that if I kept on practicing that I’d be a “pretty good musician by the time I was 26”. I freaked. At 23, that was a flippin’ eternity away and I recall exclaiming – “26! That’s like so long from now – I want to be good now”. There was most definitely one of those terribly pathetic sighs/groans after it too that young people are good are doing. Geez. How I’d like to go back in time and slap my fool self! Anyway – so here I am now – more than a friggin’ decade(!) older than 26 and I did it. I am a musician. I am a songwriter. It changed my life and it is my life, and I’m still not entirely sure how it happened. But I do know this – it didn’t happen by living in eventually. I did it all in the now.

So now, I’m finding old loves returning – of words, of colour – and – it’s time to nurture them so that in another few decades, I can surprise myself at having actually arrived at the place that only existed in that vague place of eventually seemingly just the night before.

Wish me luck!

What have you been putting off? I suggest you stop reading this and go do something about it! But please tell me about it in the comments, first. πŸ™‚

Kim
xo
www.kimjarrett.com
gigs – cds – mp3s – news – blog

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. May 10, 2012 1:24 pm

    Thanks for writing this Kim – it’s funny, at various time in my life I’ve thought..agh..I’m too old for this music thing, but here I am, still bashing away at it (wishing I was a bit younger, but still having fun)
    You’re great
    K

  2. January 28, 2013 6:57 pm

    Haha! Procrastinating working on my latest song… great post & blog! I look forward to hearing your new project πŸ™‚ cheers! Tania

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